Soft Andy’s Crappy Stoned Fruit Jam
Allow two hours to prepare.
Apart obvious bowel related ideas and gags, have you ever wondered why grannies buy old fruit?
Go to your local fruiter, ask for the discounted crappy stone fruit seconds. Pick any stone fruit, preferably the non cling stone or semi cling. i.e. Apricots, Peaches, Nectarines, Plums. In a determined yet quiet way, pick the eyes out of the box, go for blemished, sad looking, not too bruised, or brown looking pieces. Make sure you pick one stone variety only, and sort one to one and a half kilograms of fruit depending on the quality of the fruit.
Prepare the following ingredients and object.
Take home, wash in cold water, clean, halve and trim away any bruised or brown looking segments. Do not skin. One should aim to end up with one kilogram of prepared fruit. Depending upon how sweet you like your jam measure up 400 to 500 gsm of castor sugar, remove the zest of one lemon, extract the juice of one lemon. Take one vanilla bean pod and cut into 4 to 6 strips.
Wash and sterilise 600 to 1000mL a swing top glass jar with a rubber seal.
In a medium to large, heavy sauce pan, on a low heat, add your fruit, sugar, zest, lemon juice, and vanilla bean. Gently mix in all of your ingredients until sugar is dissolved to a melted ice cream consistency. No turn up the heat to medium, keep mixing and bring the mixture to a gentle boil – a foam like opaque tint of the fruit with appear and then give way to a darker liquid. Lightly boil for 10 to 20 minutes – depending upon the hardness of fruit. The fruit will reduced now to a thick, chunky liquid. Now bring the liquid to a light bubble for 20 to 40 minutes, depending upon how chunky, thick you like your jam.
Juicy fruits like plums may need more time to simmer to achieve a thick mixture, you might want to source up to 25% to 50% more fruit to allow for liquid lost during the simmering, check sugar during the simmer to compensate the tart taste.
Add a little peeled apple or pear for texture and taste mix ups. Again check sugar during the simmer, add sugar to compensate the tart taste.
Once you find your jam’s consistency, take off the heat, let the mixture cool for around two to three minutes, then empty with care, the hot jam into your glass jar. A rubber spatula is very handy for pot scraping. Seal and put in your fridge – not before you have dropped some bread in the toaster for sampling.
Ingredients and object
Enjoy! As they say in all the right places.
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